


Frank and Artemis: Grandparents of the Century

by trapezoidscheme



Category: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Genre: F/M, Gen, and it gets a lil cissexist in the classic cis person style, but only once in passing, i stayed up until 3am writing this please send help, it gets a lil nsfw but its just Talking About nsfw acts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-01
Updated: 2017-05-01
Packaged: 2018-10-26 04:37:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,488
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10779714
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/trapezoidscheme/pseuds/trapezoidscheme
Summary: Frank, Artemis, and Charlie all move in together. Dennis and Mandy move back to Philly. While Mandy's giving birth to their second kid, Dennis needs somewhere to dump Brian, just for the night.This isn't the fic we want, and it isn't the fic we need, and it isn't the fic we deserve. But I wrote it anyway.





	Frank and Artemis: Grandparents of the Century

When Frank stays over Artemis’s apartment for the fifth time in a week, there’s a California King in Artemis’s bedroom that definitely wasn’t there before, squeezing out her ornate antique wardrobe and dwarfing her bedside table. 

“Jesus Christ, Arty, why do you need such a big bed?” Frank moves over to it, inspects the sheets, lifts up the corners. No drugs, no tricks, Artemis just bought a really big-ass bed.

“Well, Frank…” and here’s the trick. “I want you to move in with me--” Frank opens his mouth to protest, but Artemis pushes on. “--and I  _ know _ that you and Charlie can’t sleep without each other, which is why I bought a big bed, so we can all sleep here. Together.” Artemis grins triumphantly and Frank looks at her, weighing his options.

The next week sees Frank and Charlie’s shitty (and now former) landlord scratching his head, standing in an apartment that’s completely empty save for 30 cans of cat food and crudely drawn penises on every wall.

~ ~ ~

It’s a lazy Sunday morning in the Dubois-Reynolds-Kelly residence, and lazy mornings mean gossip. Frank shuts off the weather channel with a yawn and wonders aloud how Dennis managed to convince his stupid broad to take their kid and move back to Philly with him. He doesn’t know much about North Dakota, but he’s willing to bet that Philly’s cost of living is higher, the air dirtier, the schools shooty-er, and the Applebee’s shittier. But when he saw her last week, she seemed happy as a clam, gripping Brian’s hand tight and squinting up at the skyscrapers.

“Probably went down on her,” Artemis offers from the bathroom where she’s putting on her makeup. There’s a soft “gross!” from Charlie in the kitchen and Frank nods, thoughtfully. Yeah, that’s probably it. Smart son-of-a-bitch went down on her. Probably knows how to use his tongue, too. That’s how you win over a woman who doesn’t want money.

“Aren’t they having another kid? Mandy looked pregnant as shit yesterday,” Charlie says. He studies his concoction on the hot plate and deems it completed, transfers it to a paper towel and digs in with his hands. Artemis’s fancy cutlery is nice and all, but Charlie doesn’t really see the point in it.

“Oh yeah, that baby is busting out any day now, Dee told me,” Artemis says. She walks out of the bathroom and strikes a pose, which is met with wolf-whistles from Frank and a thumbs-up from Charlie. 

“Good luck at the audition, Artemis!” Charlie says, words muffled through a mouthful of food.

“Those bitches won’t know what hit ‘em,” Frank affirms. Artemis grins, winks at both of them and sweeps out the door, breezily reminding Frank on her way out that they have a date behind the Wendy’s that night. Charlie goes back to his breakfast, but not before noticing the dopey grin on Frank’s face that lingers long after Artemis leaves.

~ ~ ~

Charlie wakes up from a glue-induced haze to a frantic banging on the front door. The grandfather clock in the living room proves useless for any sort of orientation, and Charlie quickly gives up on making sense of the weird number-letters. He judges by the sun coming in through the blinds that it’s the middle of the day, which is way too early for an actual emergency, so he takes his time making his way to the door. When he yanks the door open, Dennis pushes past him, Brian in tow, and stands in the middle of the living room with his hands gripping his hair. He looks like shit: out of breath, hasn’t shaved in a week, and lacking his usual five coats of makeup. On top of all that, Charlie is pretty sure that he’s wearing one of Mandy’s maternity shirts.

“Mandy’s giving birth,” he says, after nudging Brian in the direction of the couch.

“Oh shit dude, right now?” Charlie tries his best to fight through the glue-fog, but he still only marginally understands what’s going on.

“YES, you--” Dennis takes a deep breath. “Yes, right now, and I need Frank and Artemis to watch Brian for us while I’m with Mandy at the hospital.” Brian switches on the TV and giggles at the gunfight unfolding on the NBC news. Well, he’s definitely Dennis’s kid.

“What, Dee can’t take him? Or Mac?” Charlie knows Frank is going to be pissed at him if he doesn’t at least try to get them out of this. Dee’s been pregnant once, she’s basically a child expert. And didn’t Mac say his new boyfriend is good with kids? Or maybe it was dogs. Now that he thinks about it, it was definitely dogs.

“Oh no Charlie, not after what happened last time,” Dennis moves to the kitchen, grabs a beer out of the fridge, and is out the door with a quick “thanks!” over his shoulder before Charlie can question any further. The woman on the news announces the death toll in a grim voice and Brian claps his hands. 

~ ~ ~

“We’re back!” Artemis and Frank stumble through the door draped over each other, giggling like teenagers. 

“Oh, did you have a nice time? Did you have a nice time?” Charlie’s voice raises in pitch and his hair stands on end. It’s been a stressful day, to say the least. Frank sobers up immediately and quietly shushes Artemis. “Because I’ve been here, taking care of Dennis’s psychotic kid all day!”

“Oh shit,” Frank says. Artemis peers over Charlie’s shoulder and, sure enough, Brian is seated at the kitchen table,  swinging his feet and coloring happily.

“Hi Frank! Hi Artemis!” Brian calls with a wave, and Frank scowls back. The kid keeps smiling, undeterred, and Artemis gives him a little wave as a reward for his efforts.

“That kid gives me the creeps,” Frank stage-whispers as he sinks into the couch, “And I’m too worn out from the Wendy’s to deal with this.” Artemis giggles again at that and Charlie rolls his eyes. 

“I’m going to go see what Mac and Dee are doing,” Charlie says. He raises his eyebrows at Artemis. “Please don’t let this kid die, okay? Just don’t kill him. Can you do that together?” Artemis gives him a quick thumbs up. Charlie turns to issue Frank a warning, but the man already snoring, head thrown back and eyes wide open. 

~ ~ ~

“Frank, Frank!” Brian is shaking Frank’s arm violently and Frank jerks out of sleep, already annoyed. Artemis is singing along to the radio somewhere in the apartment and it’s almost midnight but the kid is still up and about, apparently. “Look what I drew!” The kid shoves a paper in Frank’s face and Frank squints through his glasses, trying to make out the crayon scribbles.

“What the shit is that?” Frank says, peering closer. The smile falls off of Brian’s face and he sags dejectedly. “This looks like a bunch of garbage hippy scribbles to me,” Frank finishes, swatting the paper away from his face. Brian’s bottom lip wobbles and his eyes well up with tears and Frank is briefly transported back to 1982, staring at Dennis’s little face turn redder and redder...

The screaming pulls Frank out of his flashback and suddenly the kid is lying on his living room floor, beating the carpet with his tiny fists. Artemis’s singing stops and she wanders out of the bedroom with a scowl on her face.

“Come on now, Frank,” Artemis says, shaking her head disapprovingly. She squats down next to Brian, carefully pulls the paper out from under him and holds it up to the light, studying it intently. This goes on for a few minutes as Brian’s eyes follow her, and his screaming slowly quiets. The kid pulls himself up until he’s sitting with his back against the couch, watching Artemis study his handiwork. 

“Well, I must say, Brian Reynolds,” she says, tearing her eyes away from the paper and turning to him with wide eyes. “This is, indeed, a masterpiece!” The kid eyes her suspiciously, not yet convinced. 

“But Frank said it was garbage scribbles,” Brian says, matter-of-fact. Artemis feigns a gasp, puts a hand on her heart and makes a show of glaring at Frank, who is scowling at the two of them from his vantage point on the couch.

“And what do old men know about art, dear child?” she asks, raising an eyebrow. Brian shrugs. “Nothing, Brian Reynolds! They know nothing!” Artemis moves to the kitchen, takes the gum out of her mouth and uses it to attach the drawing to the fridge.

“There.” Artemis steps back to admire her work. “It’s the first one, that’s a special honor,” she says with a wink. Brian glows with pride, watching his piece being displayed for the first time in the Dubois-Reynolds-Kelly household.

At 4am that night, Mandy gives birth to a healthy baby girl, and Dennis cries with relief. 

They name her Roxanne Deandra Reynolds. 

**Author's Note:**

> they named her roxanne because of the dead prostitute (roxy) from frank's pretty woman, i really like this little trend of members of the gang naming their kids after people whose deaths they've been involved in  
> come hang out with me on tumblr!! i'm @mcpoylehateblog  
> no beta readers we misspell like men!!!!


End file.
